The feeling of being torn, is just the tip of the iceberg.
That is one of many feelings at play here. This is going to be raw.
Ultimately, I have the day off. I have the ability to anything in the world and I am paralyzed. But why?
What is this feeling preventing action? Where does it stem?
Or is it simply the process of organization that needs to take place?
I want to make a video with some cycling footage.
I want to record some of my own music.
I want to record videos of covers.
I want to read.
I want to write.
I want to bike.
I want to snowboard.
Yet, here I sit. Paralyzed. A story counters each of those desires.
Sometimes I think I pack my schedule so tight so I don’t have to work on any of these projects. Am I just too afraid to show myself to the world? I mean, if we are going to be honest, it all stems back to one thing…lack of confidence…and fear of rejection. I’m just “not good enough”. “what’s the point?” are just a few of the thoughts that cycle over, and over again.
Like…where do I start? So I just….don’t
This is definitely an open ended thought, it is something that keeps evolving. How do we perceive ourselves. More specifically, right here, right now, how do I view myself? Why am I letting these thoughts take control?
I feel so un-accomplished. I feel so inadequate. But why? Is it that I feel like I don’t measure up to my parents expectations? My past teachers? My own penance for my faults? Something else altogether?
It’s like I expect myself to be a successful worldwide icon already in my life. (Which has plenty of its own fucked up complexes associated with it which we can get into next time.)
However, I have a wonderful life. I am blessed. I am successful in my own rights.
As I write this I receive a message telling me that I inspired someone close to me enough to register for another long run, only a short 2 weeks after the BOSTON MARATHON.
The truth is, I want to help everyone. I want to be here as a support system for everyone. However, I have to find a way to help myself out first.
We don’t know the stories that are playing inside one another’s mind. I ask that you set out with the intention of supporting someone today. Nudge someone past their fears, and into bliss today.
I am going to see if I can accomplish something. I am going to try to put myself out there.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
