The feeling of being torn

The feeling of being torn, is just the tip of the iceberg.

That is one of many feelings at play here. This is going to be raw.
Ultimately, I have the day off. I have the ability to anything in the world and I am paralyzed. But why?

What is this feeling preventing action? Where does it stem?

Or is it simply the process of organization that needs to take place?

I want to make a video with some cycling footage.
I want to record some of my own music.
I want to record videos of covers.
I want to read.
I want to write.
I want to bike.
I want to snowboard.

Yet, here I sit. Paralyzed. A story counters each of those desires.

Sometimes I think I pack my schedule so tight so I don’t have to work on any of these projects. Am I just too afraid to show myself to the world? I mean, if we are going to be honest, it all stems back to one thing…lack of confidence…and fear of rejection. I’m just “not good enough”. “what’s the point?” are just a few of the thoughts that cycle over, and over again.

Like…where do I start? So I just….don’t

This is definitely an open ended thought, it is something that keeps evolving. How do we perceive ourselves. More specifically, right here, right now, how do I view myself? Why am I letting these thoughts take control?

I feel so un-accomplished. I feel so inadequate. But why? Is it that I feel like I don’t measure up to my parents expectations? My past teachers? My own penance for my faults? Something else altogether?

It’s like I expect myself to be a successful worldwide icon already in my life. (Which has plenty of its own fucked up complexes associated with it which we can get into next time.)

However, I have a wonderful life. I am blessed. I am successful in my own rights.

As I write this I receive a message telling me that I inspired someone close to me enough to register for another long run, only a short 2 weeks after the BOSTON MARATHON.

The truth is, I want to help everyone. I want to be here as a support system for everyone. However, I have to find a way to help myself out first.

We don’t know the stories that are playing inside one another’s mind. I ask that you set out with the intention of supporting someone today. Nudge someone past their fears, and into bliss today.

I am going to see if I can accomplish something. I am going to try to put myself out there.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

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