What a hell of a day!!
A made supreme leaps and bounds in terms of efficiency at the homestead. My roommate and I rearranged our entire living room. Removed summer toys, to be replaced by winter toys.
A breath of fresh air. It feels so much more open. Things actually feel like they have a purpose where they live now. End tables next to the couch, rather than off by itself, improves so many things. Now our bookshelf is in the middle of the room, instead of being hidden in the corner. Now I can actually make a point to read the books I want to.
It’s is all about setting yourself up for success right????
Around 2 I went to go bartend a wedding. It was painfully boring. Scheduling 2 bartenders, when only 1 is needed, helps nobody. Luckily, it was only a 5 hour shift. The bar was only open for 2.5 hours. Only about 75 people, which is tiny by wedding standards. Did not make much money at all, but it was low stress and I was clocking out at 6:40. 5.5 hours later I am writing this. In that time I have completed submitting my entire December availability, moved my room around, went to wal-mart to get so new bedding and look for a nightstand (they literally didn’t have any, so target tomorrow), played some bass and ukulele, and had some deep conversation with friends.
I feel extremely productive today. This is a huge plus, because last night was pretty terrible for me….
I was weak…
I got pissed off, and smoked a joint. Yeah……
It totally ruined my night. I went out to a benefit concert where some good friends were performing. However, smoking that Joint totally ruined my mindset. I showed up full of paranoia and awkwardness. I was completely closed off and didn’t talk to anybody. I did, however, join a bunch of people who went up on stage to dance during the performance. THAT was a huge highlight of the night. Other than that, I bailed early, ran away, my typical Irish goodbye of years past.
Let the self-loathing begin….Here we go… I fell back into the cycle….I’m weak…. I suck….. were the thoughts that filled my head.
I am lucky though. I have some really great friends. I met a new friend earlier this month who has been true mirror for me. Another person that is searching for self-awareness and looking to improve themselves. We talked for about an hour this morning through text and it helped put some things into perspective.
24 hours later, I am kinda glad to have experienced it. I am happy to feel how terrible I felt. It has nothing to do with the weed itself. It has everything to do with the fact that I was too weak to voice my frustration, I fell back into my vices. I let my mind get taken control of, and I thought that I would feel better. Turns out, it simply showed me how much I truly rely on these vices. All of the times that I didn’t vocalize my feelings, are there to remind me of the reasons why the past relationships of my life have faltered. I simply wouldn’t allow anyone into my life. I have always told myself “I’m just a lone wolf.”
That is simply bullshit. It’s an excuse. It’s the story I let run my life forever. The truth is, I never gave anyone the opportunity to help. I never let anyone inside. Yet, I wonder why I don’t have many close friendships at this stage in my life. It’s all my fault. I kept everyone at arms length out of fear. Choices made out of fear rarely help the situation.
I as reminded of something important through this conversation.
It is about the journey.
This isn’t about the end goal of not using vices. It is about being aware of my vices. It’s about being aware of how I use my vices, and how often I lean on them. Turns out, that’s all I ever use. I never use the resources that I have put around me in life. Why not? That is something I will continue to explore.
When I do not use the people in my life for support, that can easily be construed on a psychological level, that I do not value that person, or their perspective. NOTHING could be further from the truth, however that is the theme through most of my relationships in the first 30 years of my life.
I run away.
I “Don’t want to be a burden.”
That. Changes. Now.
I am still growing, and I will continue to improve.
I will be going LIVE on facebook at 6PM Mst/8PM EST Monday night. I will be discussing my reflections on the month so far. I have some pretty interesting things to share, so I hope you will join the party!
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Thank you for listening.